If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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