i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
