Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
