Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize