Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
