I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
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