A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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