just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
did you just send me my own nude
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
