awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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