It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
