Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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