just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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