i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
