this boner is exhausting
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
