Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
