the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
