how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
