Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
