i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize