How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
