i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
