Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
