i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
