So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
