I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
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