My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize