I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize