it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
