Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You did what with his pubic hair?
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