I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
