The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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