Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
