ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
