Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
