Umm I'm too high to move.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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