We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
