i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
