There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
