Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
