Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Even my vagina gasped.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
