i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
