I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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