Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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