Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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