How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
