OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
