i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
