im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize