Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
