There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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