the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize