just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
