it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
