Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize