You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need to calm my uterus...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
