my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
