my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
