$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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