There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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