I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
