Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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