i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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