Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
