so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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