They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
