and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
