he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
