the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
