you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I look excited, but its just a facade.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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