Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Damn victory sex feels great
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
